Should Believers Marry Unbelievers?

I was shocked recently when I heard a professing Christian telling other single Christians that God doesn’t care if they marry unbelievers! Such “mixed marriages” are just as blessed as Christian marriages according to him. When asked how a true disciple of Jesus could possibly want to spend the rest of his life yoked to an unbeliever, he flippantly replied that “love” made it possible, and that he intended to marry an unbeliever and “live happily ever after.”  The worst part was that several professing Christians agreed with him despite the warnings from people who had lived the nightmare of an unequally yoked marriage. For this reason, I write the following post.  If you are a young Christian person hoping to marry one day, let nobody convince you that God doesn’t care if you marry an unbeliever, and let nobody convince you that there won’t be negative consequences if you do.

A Christian by definition is devoted to Christ before all else. All his dreams, desires, doings, and even his thoughts must be obedient to Christ.  And Christ has given this command to those who follow Him:

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matt. 6:33)

The focus of our lives is to be advancing the kingdom of God and His righteousness on the earth. We are ambassadors of the Kingdom (2 Cor. 5:20), and we seek to fill our spiritual homeland with as many souls as possible to the joy of our Father. Every decision we make, especially the most important decisions like marriage, should be made with this focus in mind. When looking at a potential spouse, we must ask the question, “Is this person going to assist me in furthering the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, or is he/she going to hinder me from doing so?”

Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3)

If we don’t agree with God, we cannot walk with Him.  It must also be considered whether a believer who wants to serve Jesus, and an unbeliever who serves himself and/or idols, can walk together. Can they together advance the kingdom of God and His righteousness? The obvious answer is no. They can buy a home together. They can have physical relations and bring forth beautiful children. They can pay bills together. But they can neither worship the Lord together, nor unanimously teach the children to worship the Lord. They may enjoy some temporary satisfactions, and they may even get along so long as one of them compromises, but they will always be on different pages.

Oh, but I won’t compromise…

Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” (I Cor. 15:33)

Oh, but I am going to save my spouse. Really? Do you know how many times this daydream has come to nothing?

For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? (I Cor. 7:16)

Remember:

He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed. (Prov. 13:20)

Therefore:

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?  And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty. (2 Cor. 6:14-18)

While all of these verses can be applied to mere friendships, they are even more relevant to marriage–the most intimate of all friendships!  It is very clear that our Father wants us to be yoked to Christ, but not yoked to unbelievers.  Now, we all have to have dealings with unbelievers in everyday life, especially to be effective salt and light in this world.  But to be yoked to someone is to try to walk together and work together toward a common goal, as we are yoked with Christ to labor in His kingdom. Being yoked is keeping in step with someone and implies some intimacy.  The record emphatically says there is NO unity between Christ and the devil, and the temple of God (you, dear Christian) has no business communing intimately with idols and their worshipers.

There are two groups of people:  children of God and children of the devil (light and darkness). If, as children of the light, we must “hate” father and mother and even our own lives to be Jesus’ disciples (Lk. 14:26), what makes us think we can seek intimate relationships with the children of the devil and still remain His disciples?  John wrote that a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God (James 4:4).

Please believe, if you disregard the warnings of Scripture, you will pay the consequences.  Many men and women have done so to their lifelong regret. Had Samson not found rest in the lap of Delilah, he might not have perished in such a pathetic and ignoble way, having accomplished much less in his life than he might have otherwise.  Had Solomon obeyed the voice of the Lord regarding his marriages to pagan women, he might not have strayed from the Lord at the end of his life. He became the companion of fools and was destroyed! There is no record in the Scriptures that Solomon–the man once gifted with the most extraordinary wisdom–ever returned to the Lord! In these two cases, we have the strongest and the wisest–both destroyed or almost destroyed by unbelieving love-interests.  BEWARE!

A little leaven leavens the whole lump. The leaven introduced by the unbeliever wreaks untold havoc in the home. It is argued that Paul said the unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believer (I Cor 7:14). This is true, but was written to encourage those who come to Christ after being married to an unbeliever. Paul encourages such a one to remain in the marriage so long as the unbeliever is content to remain, for the unbelieving spouse and the children can best be influenced through the believer’s witness and service if the marriage remains intact.  This is mercy to the believer and his family, but does not give Christians license to seek out unbelieving spouses on purpose!

What about Hosea? Didn’t God tell him to marry a prostitute who would cheat on him?  Yes, He did, and by this God demonstrated to His whorish people how they had broken His heart and repaid Him evil for good. Unless we are 100% sure that God has commanded us to do the same as a demonstration to our own nation, it would be very foolish indeed for us to run off and do as Hosea did.  Hosea’s reason for marrying this prostitute was completely spiritual.  He did not marry her because he enjoyed her company or was sexually frustrated and tired of waiting for a godly wife, but because he was willing to suffer to manifest God’s heart to His backslidden people.  Did you get that?–I said he was willing to suffer. An unequally-yoked marriage brings suffering.

When you love the Lord Jesus and your spouse does not, it hurts. When you share His precious Words, and your spouse’s eyes glaze over, it hurts. When you teach your children to love the Lord, but their other parent introduces them to idols, it hurts. When your children see you as the mean parent because you try to protect them from evil, it hurts. When you long to labor for the kingdom, but you are hindered by the vain pursuits of your spouse, it hurts. And if your spouse finds your light offensive and seeks the pleasure of darker company, it hurts.

Christians are spiritual people, called to be spiritually minded rather than carnally minded, which is death. We understand that God has made two people into one flesh for a spiritual reason–that He might have a godly seed in the earth (Mal. 2:15).  This is best accomplished in the marriage of two godly people who are committed to passing on their convictions to their children together.

Some carnal reasons have been offered for why it is supposedly ok for believers to marry unbelievers, but none of them are any good.

To purposely marry an unbeliever because you enjoy his/her company suggests that the light that is in you may actually be darkness, for there is no fellowship between light and darkness.  If you are enjoying the prolonged company of an unbeliever, you need to examine yourself to see if you are in the faith.

To purposely marry an unbeliever because you have a sexual desire that you think trumps the command to seek first the kingdom of God, is to put your sexuality above and before the kingdom of God. That is idolatry. Ask the Lord to help you bring your body under subjection, and do not be led away into sin by your own lusts–you must crucify your flesh with its affections and lusts (Gal. 5:24).  It is true that it is better to marry than to burn, but you must not settle for an unbeliever. Paul told widows they could remarry, but only in the Lord (I Cor. 7:39), and said that “the brethren of the Lord” were permitted to have “a sister, a wife” (I Cor. 9:5 KJV; or “a believing wife” in the NKJV).

To purposely marry an unbeliever because you are lonely is to put your emotional need before the kingdom of God. If a man does not deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow Jesus, he cannot be His disciple (Lk. 9:23).

So what is one to do?! The truth is that life can be lonely and marriage is desirable. And sometimes it seems the godly gals and guys are all taken or hiding in a cave somewhere. Commit your way to the Lord, single Christian, and wait patiently for Him. Serve Him as a single person to the utmost of your ability, and see if He doesn’t bring some like-minded (Christ-minded) person your way. But even if He doesn’t–even if things don’t go as you would like–choose to seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness in all your decisions, even if it means being alone for the time being. If you do this, you will be blessed.

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